Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in loop_swoop_pull's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, March 15th, 2008
1:06 am	The Process I've been having a lot of trouble communication my thoughts onto paper in the past few months. Well, in this case it isn't paper, but type, but that's beside the point. I've written a few things, usually small and fragmented sentences, that I actually look back on and say, "yeah, that's what I was getting at." Or think that it actually recreates the feeling I had when I originally said it or wrote it. I wouldn't say I've had writers block or something like that. I think that I've just been in a transitional period. A transition from one frame of mind to another. I have been selfish, but not in some terrible, ignorant way. The beginning of this school year, and a lot of last summer I was so focused on myself and exactly what I wanted to do with my life, that I completely forgot about the ability I have to connect with people. To really see what they feel, and communicate it in some sort of medium. I was able to do this, not because of great technical skill or study, but because of being personable and confident. I was so sure of myself and the answers I gave. I had a well researched foundation of thoughts and beliefs, so I had no problem spewing out philosophies and little nuggets of wisdom. I felt very comfortable with where I was, belief-wise, but my lifestyle was still a bit grim. I was sad. Not all the time of course, but sadness was kind of what I looked forward to. I thought that sad emotion was the way I was going to be and I didn't strive for anything above it. The things I wrote were self-depressing. They were even self-degrading in many ways. I had no remorse after yelling at myself for things I had no idea I did or did not do. I thought that being so discontent with my mental state would keep me "inspired" or "creative" and it would give me something to write about. And that was the only thing I could look forward to after a terrible night with nothing but worry and longing. I'd have something to write about. Jason said to me once, "I really do want to write happy things or songs, but whenever I'm happy I usually want to go out with my friends or family and enjoy it. Not sit around and write about it." That's not an exact quote, but it was something close to that. The point is, though, that I'm kind of battling that right now... to an extent. I've cheered up. For the most part I feel better. It's been slowly changing, for the better, over the course of this semester, and I'm just trying to adapt, because this shit feels good. Not only is my outlook on life changing, but my entire worldview. I feel more significant. I feel more in control (control meaning I have mental capacities to think irreversibley). I feel more intelligent, but I also feel like I've got a long way to go. This is because my change has been such a radical one. It's gone from expecting and accepting loneliness and longing to expecting and accepting happiness and companionship. You wouldn't see it from across the street, but if you could peer into my brain and how the neurons are organized now, it wouldn't be the same organization as it was half a year ago. My mind has changed drastically, and I want and expect different things. I think I've wanted and expected these things for a long time in my life, but I've been looking for excuses to back off from them because I was scared to journey there again and possibley get let down. I guess this is taking courage. I guess this is taking strength. The courage to stand up to an obstacle (longing and loneliness) and finding a way around it, and making that new way around a normal thing. We all reject normalcy, I know I did and I still do, but I want to make what I'm feeling now a standard, a norm. Because this is what I want to strive for. This is who I want to be. Because right now I'm not set. I'm still just floating on clouds of wonder and thought. And they're so porous that anything not solid will slip right through. I'm not convinced of anything right now, but my world view, my method is starting to be set. And with that I'll be able to confront the problems that I face, but more importantly, our world faces. As Ben Lee says, "I'm made of atoms, you're made of atoms, and we're all in this together." I'm more conscious of that fact now more than ever, and I want to do something about it, but first I have to get comfortable with myself. I have to build confidence in myself all over again because I have to fortify my beliefs and my methods. It's a higher level of thinking I'm trying to reach and the steps are just as fulfilling as the end product I think, so this has to be a good sign, a good direction. Things are changing, and for the better. I just have to think of ways to adapt. I have to rethink, and continue to do that indeffinately because I know things never settle exactly the way you wish, and if they did your wish would change with time. So I've gotta find a way to reason comfortably. I've gotta think comfortably. I've gotta find that confidence in the words I say, but always remember to listen to what others have to say. I've gotta reform, not my thoughts, but the way I get to them. The process. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 13th, 2008
8:45 pm	no one deserves this This is for an acquaintance of mine injustice dealt by a familiar face I’m going to be completely honest with you. I did make some bad decisions. I have a lot of growing up to do, but I’m not sure how to do it. I’m in an environment where stress comes as easy and often as the booze I use to medicate it. I want to make things quiet. I want to make things serene. And after a few doses that comes so easily. Now I stand before you as an offender of your peace, and the only thing you can do is send me to the streets. My bags aren’t packed, and if they were, they’d have nowhere to be. Just like me, just like me. I can barely sleep here, but sleeping on the wet ground will be a treat. I’ll have to master this technique in a society that refuses to help me. I miss my mother, my brother, maybe even my sister too. I’ve done so much to keep them from disliking what I do, but I could never come through in the end. Now I’ll return to them, but a different person in their heads. I miss them, I do… and they’ll miss knowing who I was, before this unfortunate interlude. It’s sad when those you looked to for help are the ones who judge us as outcasts. It’s funny how they preach “honesty” but the honest ones are cast out the fastest. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 5th, 2008
12:43 am	That's It! (Excitement, yeah) That's it! I saw it! I read it! I really did feel it this time and decided not to worry or whine because things finally made sense at least for a long enough period of time for me to come to grips with myself, my world, but finally I see that's there's so many others within it and they've all been trying to help me That's it! I saw it! I read it! It's real? I question this thought because it feels so surreal I back up a few steps, and keep my eyes on a reel of frames flashing by... too fast for me to tell the difference between them, but they mesh together so well a coherent whole is right in front of me now! and all I had to do was sit back, enjoy and let you tell me how It feels so good to not think on my own taking orders from myself on how things were done but with this new teaming, I'm no less independent I've just seen how listening has so many benefits Now I'll sit down, and let you do the talking while I take the notes, and reverse my sulking because there's something I must've missed and a function of your words was to induce some bliss That's it I got it I'll listen now I'll sit back and enjoy while WE figure out "how" Current Mood: good (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 30th, 2007
8:44 pm	Some people don't have the luxury to think. Some people don't have the luxury to believe. These people, usually, their concern is how they are going to eat. They may not get the required 9 hours of sleep or have time to contemplate existential questions but that is not a fault within them their reality is the same for me We all want the luxury to live and spend time doing things that we want to do but what happens when we compromise other lives so we can have our ways? There is a war that America is waging it's distant, it's foreign, but it's also on our land As information slowly crosses the ocean not via the internet, but through layers of bureucracy we start to see what it's really about money makes the world go 'round I'm sorry to say it, but that's what we've been taught make enough for myself and my own and spread it out through a family and abode I want the luxury to live. Doesn't everyone? We want the time to figure out what we like, want, and have the possibility to hold onto it. But to what extent should we chase this American Dream, or dream in general? I want to be informed. I want to seek justice. I want to believe that what I'm paying for in any situation isn't causing someone else pain or even death. I want to invest in content. I want to invest in someone elses future, and I want them to invest in mine. If all the resources in the world were used efficiently, and even more, if there was something or someone to overlook that process, we would all be a lot better off. Or should we trust in each other now, as we have been doing, and leave so many people open to make their own decisions to better their situation, minus a thought of anyone else. This is just a plea. A feeling, a bit of spontaneity. It would have more influence if there were more information to fatten it up, but that is the tragedy. I don't know what to do to make things better. I have no plan of action. And I'm sure a lot of people are in this same predicament. What is the right course of action when you can see so many things wrong? That's what I'm going to start seeking out. No more wasting long nights belittling myself and my capabilities. I will use my time efficiently to seek out relevant answers to the problems that surround us. It may not be the truth, but it will be one. And I'm tired of dancing around the meaning of that word, I'm going to start defining one, that hopefully will save many, today. Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Friday, September 28th, 2007
12:54 am	It's fun thinking about things you will never know Title: All or Nothing? Let me decrease the space between my feet and the ground for a bit. Let me spend time thinking about trying to find a job tomorrow. Let me write a few words that fit together so nicely you want to say them again and again. and let them be words not connected to thoughts. let them be independant of form let them be independant of experience let them be a new meaning completely, encompassing a feeling, nay, a physical vibration that you or I cannot see, nor hear. But you believe it's there, influencing something that you can speak about. Determining a word that you speak that represents a thought you think that is connected to a rational life and a rational question where am I gonna work and not want to quit the first week please just influence me even if you don't know which way to point me I need to at least pretend I'm doing the "right" thing Start from the bottom up and once you reach the top and everything is too bright to see, to high to hear, will you still feel? Will your heart still pump? Will you still need to scream? Is that fear you'll feel or release? When everything finally doesn't make sense, and that's you've been waiting on. You hit the ceiling and you begin to fall. Fall through your senses, one at a time. There flying by you so fast... you try to reach out to the sides to grab hold of some semblance of meaning, feeling The walls are some kind of mucus, encompassing not just what you feel, smell, hear, taste, see; but what you cannot either. But slowly the walls focus focus focus focus focus And these walls start making... sense You hit the... bottom and everything looks as it should but... it was... what could? Current Mood: indescribable (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 16th, 2007
7:44 pm	Facing Some harsh realities (one of those personal entries) I need to take a few steps back and analyze the situation that I am in. What the fuck went wrong? At what point did my content, maybe even partial happiness, turn into bitter resentment towards myself and almost everything I know? That's the thesis my friends, and I plan on exploring this through recollections of memories and information I've attained or remembered in the past month or so. (That's pretty much a disclaimer that this is going to be a balls-out bitch fest at myself, so this will either be extremely entertaining or ridiculously pathetic. I'm voting for the latter the way I'm feeling right now.) I decided to change schools. I have transferred my pathetic em0-ass to a school in the center of my world it always seemed... Chicago. I'm attending Columbia College for a degree in some branch of Audio Arts and Acoustics. I've always been a big fan of music, and I've always been a fan of Chicago... so this should have worked out perfectly right? No. So I have pretty much traded in my SANITY so I could do something that I finally thought was SANE. That is priceless. What I should have thought about was not the education or where I was getting it, rather where I was going to have to live. Where my "home" would be. My "home" now is a dorm sized bedroom in a place I called home for about 15 years prior to my stay at Ball State University. It is where I did most of my growing up around two parents that fucking hated each other. Yeah, it was a wonderful environment to hang out in. All day you would be tense wondering if there would be a fight, or if my father would be too DRUNK to have one. (or in some cases if he wasn't drunk enough and could still find the energy within him to start a fight or dispute.) But I have accepted this lot and throughout my entire life I have tried to turn it around to be the practical joke of my life. My father, is, sometimes, a very funny drunk. The drunk that comes out when other people are around generally. (he is a salesmen, ya know. Always trying to sell himself off as being a nice, congenial guy. Almost whore-like.) So immediately I start to see how warped my life must be. While most people are so sad that they are balling their eyes out because they had a terrible father who was never around to raise them, I've been balling my eyes out laughing. He was very good entertainment. Now I'm seeing more of these people that complain about broken homes, and I do understand many of them had far more severe cases of brokeness than I, but I always found it hard to sympathize. I thought that I came out fine. I thought that I had a keen feel for ethics. I thought I was smart and understanding. But I'm really just a piece of shit salesmen that's trying to sell my sincerity, which in itself... is bullshit. Humans, in general, have a real talent to deceive themselves. Our whole lives are centered around being deceived... by our senses. We don't SEE color, we perceive it. We don't HEAR sound, we perceive it. Language is the tool that gives our world the most beauty and diversity, but it will also prove to be the most destructive. Because words will sometimes have two meanings, just like the ejection of fluid from my eyes. When I cried I should have died a bit on the inside, instead I went on thinking things were alright. I could blame people all day for the mass confusion and hysteria going on in my brain today. I could blame my father for not caring, or telling me that his business was more important than me, or I could blame my mother for not being strong enough to break away from my father's grip. But who could blame her? Two children, on her own? There's no way she could have done it! Right? Well if she did, I would be a completely different person today. I might've been brought up more in my uncle's image if he were to have helped my mother out. Or maybe my grandfather's image (which I believe I have a lot of in me) because I know he would take her in. But she decided to try it seemingly on her own, which actually exposed us to a lot of a person I have grown to hate, my father. Now, this isn't just petty middle school hatred towards authority. This is deep-seated disagreement over political, social, and ethical issues. Not once have I had a conversation with my father that hasn't ended in me disgusting him more. And when he sees some of that in me, he'll try to pay me off. Yes, just give me money. ( I know that sounds awesome, but after awhile money just doesn't cut it.) So even though I harbor all of these negative feelings toward my father, why the fuck would I move back home? Maybe I have some sort of death wish hidden under layers and layers of psychosis in my brain. Maybe I am trying to drive myself insane? Oh how I wish the answers were so simple, because then I could just call it a day and say I am unfit to function in everyone's "society". It's because I have no idea where I want to be. Everytime I get somewhere, I want to be somewhere else. Everytime I focus on one thing, I get bored with it. Everytime I love someone, I want to love someone else. I am an uncommitting, insincere, salesmen. Trying to sell myself lives (dirt cheap may I add!) that will fit me better. I have learned to be a gentleman, listener, and thinker from my mother, but I have learned to only care about myself and twist truths to get my way from my father. I am so mixed up. I am so fucked up. And I'm finally not laughing about it. I'm weeping with horror. Current Mood: uncomfortable (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 8th, 2007
3:04 am	This Circle's not so Vicious Do I prefer my reflection shrouded in smoke Am I ready to see who I am Do I want to judge what I do or prolong the process until it gets out of hand must I irritate my eyes to make them cry so I can lie, convincingly, about my "why"'s why am I getting upset why do I have unrest why do I stay up smoking these cigarettes The moon is half in the sky symbolizing the half of me that is shown the light part glows but the dark they will never know only showing brightly once a month but the burn of content, I always wish it off So I can get angry so I can agitate myself so I never take time to elate when I still know there is always more to do on the darker side of the moon so why am I getting upset and why do I have unrest why do I stay up late smoking these cigarettes Maybe to explore more of my dark side of moon Maybe to see the smoke dance around freely Maybe I just prefer to see my most controversial thoughts through nothing but a smokescreen Tonight I'm glad I am upset Tonight I'm glad I have unrest and I'm glad tonight I'm staying up and smoking these cigarettes (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 21st, 2007
2:22 am	"Here we are now, entertain us" The issue of the abnormal number of teen pregnancies at Hanover was originally brought to my attention when I returned home from college in May. My friends and I were asking the "who"s and the "how"s and my natural answer is the one I thought would be shared by the majority... what else is there to do? Forgive me for being frank, but when your parents are gone all day working and you are left alone with ideas that society as a whole have planted in your head ("kids" shows on Disney that are all about dating and kissing and really have no imagination in them, or especially movies that in some households have become the new baby-sitters of children), why not give it a shot? You're still young with the ideas that you are invincible and no one around to say "it can happen to you". Therein lies the rub. I'm guessing, and I certainly hope, none of the sexual encounters have taken place on school property during school hours, if that were the case I believe the school has much to change, but I'm almost certain that most, if not all, of the encounters have taken place after (or before) school and at someone's home. I've known some crazy and seemingly irresponsible parents in my lifetime, but none of which would let their 11 to 17 year old child have sex under their roof with them knowing and be alright with it. If they are, then that's how they parent and you must respect that because it's happening in the privacy of their home, having nothing to do with school. And this singling out of the pregnant and those that have impregnated is ridiculous. What are you going to do? Suspend them? Give them more time to theirselves that they don't know what to do with... well.. you might as well just tell them to make another baby while they're out. I know this is a small town(s) and the school feels responsible for a lot of it's happenings, because truthfully... that's where the children spend a lot of their time, but you should spend your resources not on punishment in school to prevent out of school occurances, but on entertainment (or just something to do) while out of school. Obviously this is not a school related topic anymore. Sure the PTO may sponsor a Fun Night once in awhile and there are 1 or 2 dances a year to occupy one's time, but there needs to be a few different places where kids can go (mostly or completely free) that stimulates their developing minds. Of course there are sports teams that some are occupied with, and maybe a club or two after school once a week, but that doesn't encompass the wide variety of minds that you have to occupy or entertain. Maybe a bowling alley where kids can go play for fun or develop into players that can compete in high school. Maybe an arcade where kids can come together and play and/or talk about video games. Maybe a community theater. Maybe a Planned Parenthood... just joking. I understand that their are some of these sources of "occupation" or "entertainment" nearby, but most kids have developed habits of staying home, having relationships with those nearby, and flirting with the ideas of sex at an early age which lead to teen pregnancies at their younger ages when they cannot drive, and sometimes do not have anyone to drive them. So now you are reading this and it is sounding pretty good on paper, but the real kicker is the effects of it on the pocket book. Yes, it would be expensive. It would require the town's funds to go somewhere else besides statues of fish, or it would require its man power to go into finding investors instead of investing in more patrol officers. I just wanted to illuminate another possibility to why these teen pregnancies are happening... as opposed to the original conclusion... because of provocative dress at school. I'm speaking to you Hanover, you take way too much credit for what goes down in these kid's lives, get over yourself and start thinking about the other 16 hours during the weekdays and the 48 hours every weekend... lots of things happen that you could not (or choose not to) even fathom. I am offering this up as a perspective from a third party. The main point I am trying to get across is this: I do not believe that a dress code will affect the number of teen pregnancies in the Hanover school system. It is a problem that must be dealt with in the other 16 hours of the day... however you deal with those other hours is up for debate, but if you're truly concerned about this topic you need take it to another level, not just do something useless and say you did your best. Sincerely, A Citizen of Saint John, Greg Sears (Comment on this)
Monday, May 28th, 2007
1:56 pm	"Opinions not based on knowledge are ugly things" - Socrates I turned on the news this morning (CNN to be specific) and I saw a report concerning a paper written by a professor at Colorado University named Ward Churchill. He is facing suspension and most likely termination from the university because of the content on his essay about the likely motivation (and very convincing on a rational level) behind the September 11th attacks. As he states in his addendem of the paper, he wrote the essay reactionary to the events that took place that day and he openly admits that some of the information may not be entirely accurate, but what he is trying to get across in the paper is the idea that murder leads to more murder (and in this case murder of innocents), and there is no doubt that America has done it's fair share of it (Hiroshima, Iraqi collateral damage, Native Americans, etc.). He raises the question that even myself didn't ask after 9/11 because I was too paralyzed with fear and engulfed in my American-bred ignorance of foreign affairs. Why would they even do this? What was their motivation? Could people that were truly mentally ill collaborate together and plan such a devastating attack almost independantly of central leadership? We were so wrapped up in feeling sorry for ourselves (and rightfully so, because some of the people that were killed may have been related to us or we knew in some way) that it's our basic instinct to be angry and possibly vengeful, but we allowed the media and other Big Brother-type factors effect our thinking afterwards. We allowed those outlets of information to guide what questions we asked and also the answers they made us seek. Even though Mr. Churchill's essay was a bit edgey at times, and a bit emotional, those factors were greatly outweighed by the other point of view it illuminated. The "terrorist's" point of view, which is often dismissed because so many respected *laugh* news anchors and politicians have been declaring that they are all down right evil. And that's it... they have been assigned the part of the villain. Of course I tried to keep my opinion out of this little overview as much as possible because you should read the article yourself and determine how you feel about it, but please do not watch the news and listen to these people argue. It is ridiculous. Some of the reporters and debaters take his words way out of context and no matter how many times someone else argues with them, it won't be as valuable to watch as it would be for you to read it yourself. So if you plan on having an opinion at all on this, you should read through the article and form your own conclusions, not form conclusions from someone elses conclusions. That's preposterous! And if you truly do not understand what is being said in the article and you do not get the main point (I know the feeling of being lost, it's like reading Plato or Aristotle for the first time) then don't pretend you have an opinion on it. That's just adding fuel to the everlasting leak of erroneous comments that seem to pollute everything. It would be bullshit, and Mr. Frankfurt from Princeton would be very displeased. Here's a link to the article and a few other letters related to the developing and soon to be over-developed story. http://www.politicalgateway.com/news/read.html?id=2739 (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 18th, 2007
11:26 pm	Look Away I'm very upset about the way the media is handling the Virginia Tech shootings. Of course it was a horrifying event that we should all know about. We should know it happened, so that we know that tragedy can strike anywhere no matter how unlikely. It has helped us to realize our own mortality even in places we thought were untouchable. We need to grow from this incident, not succumb to our basic capitalistic instincts and exploit it. Of course this story is hot off the press and every major news agency in the U.S. wants a piece of the story that no one has heard yet. NBC's prayer was answered. The shooter who was supposedly wildly against the rich sent his "press packet" (as I like to call it) to one of the biggest, richest names in television. I do not usually insult the dead, but what a hypocrite. He obviously wanted recognition for his acts, and he is getting it... on prime time. Even though the press is careful to cover their backs by speaking warnings before footage is shown and apologizing ad nauseam to the victims family's that were so recently pained, they are still airing this guy's footage, and anyone in show biz knows... " there's no such thing as bad press". Oh you might say, "They have 'experts' that speak before and after every clip that is shown saying how emotionally distraught the shooter was," so I say why would they want to broadcast an emotionally unstable mass murderer's message on prime time television? They have already reported the news, and they have every right to, (I'm all for the Bill of Rights. Visit www.individual-i.com to see where I purchase some of my apparel that backs up that statement.) but they are giving this guy exactly what he wanted. Why else would he send his "press packet" complete with stills, movies, audio clips, and a paper that explains how he was in the right for what he has done, and how could the money hungry NBC turn down such an opportunity to air this exclusive footage. Footage that only they have on the hottest story of the week and probably the whole year. Of course they'll release little by little to make sure they maximize their ratings. (as they are doing right now, by releasing a little tonight, a little tomorrow morning, and little for as long as they can) Which makes you think... maybe he knew that this was the way he could get attention. I guess the greed of major media corporations is much more reliable than getting a date by writing a girl a sweet poem and buying her flowers. It's a shame that we're eating up this bullshit. And don't forget, while we're eating it, all the other teary-eyed loner kids out there that revere the shooter as a martyr are seeing an example of how they can finally get people to see them. With a normal persona and normal physique, people see them as transparent, bleak. But with a gun in their hands and a press packet in the mail, they'll be leaving behind a legacy, that most will hate, but it will give another in the same mindset hope and drive. We need to show that we do not want to see that. So if you are wearing one of those ribbons, going to a candlelight vigil, talking to an affected friend, or praying alone in your room... you will not be watching the news promote this guy's story. Whether it is in a good light or bad. If you are truly hurt by this tragic event, you obviously do not want it to happen again, and these airings will only provoke another... then another... and another. So lets set the right example by refusing to watch and listen to a murderer who, in this society, we have labeled disturbed. Look away Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 25th, 2007
2:30 am	A Truce My mind isn't agreeing with my body I'm trying to be rational but I'm out of control my body is pissed off for a reason that my mind must've overlooked I've been thinking deducing and planning ahead Not leaving to chance one thing that is said Anything I do I must know the end and my body has had enough This is my punishment for thinking too hard and always wanting to know What tomorrow will bring and any place I'll go I pre-planned life leaving me with nothing to do but prepare but as soon as I started to see a new end my life was thrown into despair My body is tired of taking orders from a brain that can never be pleased so as a result it picked up this pen and started to write all of these things finally it is getting in its say on so many matters my mind missed like easing off on the future awhile so the body can have something, a kiss and then the mind will remember why it originally started all of this not only to say what it needed to say but also to feel some warmth and lovingness I hope my two most valuable things will combine once again in a truce and work together to find my happiness instead of fighting for their own turn because both of them must be content in order for me to elate and if both of them could work together I might get up and do something (Comment on this)
Monday, March 12th, 2007
1:36 am	"You are what you love, not what loves you back" I love always striving for more. I love watching things that I can't even fathom being able to do. I love being mystified by mortal acts. I being immersed in wonder and finding some answers but always left with questions in the end. I love being open-ended. I love being unpredictable. I love the unattainable. I'm always on the heels of a situation or accomplishment. I seem to never strive just a little bit harder so I can achieve completion. I get so far and say "I've done so much already, the rest will just fall into place." But it very rarely does unless there is someone just as passionatle working on a project or thought. And as of late I have secluded myself from help so I can see what I can do on my own. It's not masterful. It's raw. But I'm pushing myself to the limit just to see how much I can do. I'm constantly dissappointed because I can always see the end, but I don't always know how to get there. The middle man is probably the most important man of all. So in any situation where you are being called the middle man... take it as a compliment. You're more important than the other two on the sides will, for the most part, ever care to mention. My influence does not go very far. But it is mostly my fault. I'm scared of going far because I'm worried about what people that I know will think about the things I create. I'm worried that those people I look at and speak to that I think are interesting will not like what I do. So I try to alter what I do for their approval. But I'm finally doing what I want to do! I'm finally fufilling myself, and I need to let people know that. I need to show that off. I need to not be afraid to love something that not everyone else can see. That to some people will look completely crazy, but to others they will understand. And whoever that is I will be grateful for. I will be happy to do them a service. I will be happy to entertain whoever I can, and I'll also be loving what I make. Even though it's not as awe-inspiring in some ways as others, and it doesn't appeal the same to all. I will still back it up with my passion. "You are what you love, not what loves you back" as the film Adaptation has told me. I'm always expecting compensation from the things I love. Kind of like a bartering system. It must be the salesman in me. There is no compensation in love though. The reward you get for love is love itself. Feeling passionate about something and pursuing it to the edge of time, reality, or anything is an adventure and nothing can replace that experience. No one can pay you enough to not do it. Nothing can reroute your path. You see it and you are anxious to pursue. You're anxious to do something that you've always longed to do, or a completely new experience that just seems interesting, or a random endeavor that falls into your lap. Just something you actually WANT to do. The compensation in the end is just the fact that it has been done. That's love. So I'll start again tomorrow with a new a new philosophy, and a new love. Then I'll start on my adventure. I'll ask no questions and expect no compensations. I'll just do it to get to the end. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 16th, 2007
9:20 pm	The Peaceful Poisonous Platypus I was fooled by the peaceful platypus It's barbs always concealed Goofy, odd-shaped, and a mixture reminds me of the group I hold dear The group I was born to The group I grew up with and in my rebel period I did hate Then the group that I trained for for another four years Then died with at the end of my age It was like looking down at that platypus It's barbs always concealed Goofy, odd-shaped, and a mixture and underneath... the poison... I should have feared Current Mood: chilled (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 31st, 2007
9:28 pm	draft of: Free a Will - A Cause of The Law of Causality I agree on some points made by Jean-Paul Satre in his work Existentialism. He states that we do in fact have free will. That everything is not predetermined by environment and heredity, which is the exact opposite of Robert Blatchford’s work Not Guilty, which he states many times that everything is determined by The Law of Causality. (in lamen’s terms, the law of cause and effect) Sartre says that we have free will, and that we use it in some instances like when we consciously debate what actions to take like being a coward or not being a coward. That we cannot tie constitution to our heredity and environment, and that if we are guided or made known to possibilities of something more, that we can choose which way to go. Whether to take the initiative and move along or decide to stay put. I do agree with Blatchford that much of that decision is based on actions that have happened before. That’s what gave us reasons to search out new alternatives, more answers, but all of those times that we have sat down in a quiet room and contemplated all of the outside sources then put them in context for what is best for one’s self, that is when we express our free will. Then we act accordingly. Yes that was caused by prior events and knowledge, and possibly something happening around you and even by how you were raised, but that second that you make the new decision, it was an act that only you could do. No one else would have changed their mind exactly like you because no one has been brought up and went through all of the same things as you. We are free to make choices and change. It’s just that “free will” is a phrase that is over-used. We don’t use our free will nearly as much as we say we do. Most of the time our decisions are pre-determined by events, needs, or thought sessions in which we’ve pondered questions that we suspected we might face later. Right here I’m going to define what I think of as a “thought session”. It’s any defining period of time in your life. It’s sometimes brought on by a tragic event happening in your life that alters your perception of what is worth living for. This is when you start asking yourself, and yourself only! In confidence some questions and come out with answers that you abide by until another thought session is deemed necessary. So if you picked up on what I’m trying to get at in the above passages and if you’ve ever played semi-competitive game of chess, then you’ll understand this analogy a lot better. Could you imagine putting really deep thought into every single decision you make during the day? Most of the time it is very simple decisions that should not require more than a second to decide. Like whether or not you should eat or drink something. Your physical body tells you the answer to that. Or whether or not you should meet your friend for lunch. (this may require more than a second of thought) If you have some free time in between responsibilities and you’re all caught up on work and you have a little extra cash, then you’ll probably decide “yes”. But if the aforementioned list is answered by negative responses, you’ll probably say no, depending on the emotional attachment you have to this friend and whether it’s a routine lunch thing that you’re both set on. There’s lots of factors to decision making in a daily routine. It’s like your regular day is always a fresh game of chess. The more moves you can see ahead, the better you are going to do and the more you are going to get done. But there are ways to prepare yourself for a game. (This is the free will part) you can think up strategies. You can improve your knowledge of the game by consulting other players, but sooner or later you come down to making your own decisions, what you think would be best. So as Blatchford says, our actions are determined by actions before, by cause and effect, but sometimes those actions are expressing our free thought, our critical thinking. While we do that we are making decisions that could have just as easily went the other way, but the person making the decision decided on their own which way to pursue. So our actions are a cause of our thought sessions, which are in turn caused by the events we’ve been through and knowledge we’ve gained before. Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 20th, 2007
10:33 am	Oh shoe, I believe in you I don't want to fuck up, but I'm so prone to doing it. Always asking these ridiculous questions and being brutally honest. Opening up and saying it... saying it... saying it. It's brought me some places, but always takes me away from it. If I didn't talk, I'd just lay around. I'd lay still for the rest of my life and accept what happens around me. Then what would I be? I'd be an inanimate object. I would seriously "float on" but I doubt it'd be smooth. I bet it would be full of rocky roads and manholes the size of states... and I'd fall in them. I'd get stuck in each one, having to wait for outside workers to fill them up, because I'd be useless. I'd be the walking or rolling dead. At least everything will be laid out for me! At least I wouldn't say "I fucked up". At least I wouldn't be to blame. I'd be nothing for real. Well, in a materialistic way I'd still be there. But my ideas would be non-existent, I'd just be the load of nothing. The shirt no one ever wore, because the message on it was unacceptable. Fuck your thoughts, fuck mine. We're all the realest things when we believe. Believe what I don't know. I don't know... but I wish I could see. See what you ask? What is it???? I'm gonna go be a workaholic and forget all about. I'm gonna go make my dad proud and be sick the rest of my life. At least I'd make a bastard smile, while the rest of the sane world (to me) frowns. Make lots of money! Money! Money! Do you hear the sounds of dollars and cents? doesn't it make you smile? Doesn't it tell you a comfort level? You're going to be alright kid. You'll be just like me. Oh and you know how happy said "me" is... Did you see that? I just said the worst thing in the world. Did you listen? I'm a piece of shit. I'll lead you to the worst place in the world. Where everyone questions everything and nothing is ever enough. And sometimes will end on the wrong conclusions and sit there for awhile. What happens then??????????? I want to know. could you possibley tell me??? I'd love any input on this subject. This subject of follow the stupid, indecisive leader. And ask this, what am I following? Where do I get my inspiration? Some higher power? some divine god! I follow the foot that steps in front of me and how believable is it? It could step any where. Oh I believe in you... my shoe How many people would give you the dirtiest looks if you told them you belived in one thing an inanimate object that could preach you know morals, no sermons something that's been with you your whole life, has seen what you see has stepped on some others to get where you're going... knows all of your wrongs but it has seen the rights as well, it's everything you ever did and unconsciously you've been following it all your life Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 16th, 2007
3:09 pm	The Director says: "And... Action!" for real! You're spending while the world is ending soon there'll be nothing left to buy How will you love someone if there is no where left to love? How happy can you be when everytime you look up you see gray? What good is "freedom of speech" when your leader listens to nothing you say? Democratic inaction at it's finest, but this time too far I love the world I live on and I will let no one tear it apart So stand up for your right to live and breath in clean air because Soon it will be gone and everyone (not just Darfur) will be in despair Just take a few minutes to find out what you can do The information superhighway is the most ill used tool check it out, keep the world livable for me you and you because we're all one living breathing organism that is earth and everyone does damage, but we can also give birth to ideas or actions that can benefit us all so we can continue to live, talk, ad love from winter until fall (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 7th, 2007
2:41 am	I am no movie, but the life around me is and has been rolling for 19 years and counting This winter break after my first semester of college has been an enlightening and fun one. I've gone through nights of deep thought, depression, joy, loneliness, seclusion (but glad to be), and creative output. I've been learning a little more about myself everyday, and figuring out all the tricks that even your own mind can play on your mind's heart. I've accepted, and now love, that I know every moment I live will be not documented and saved throughout eternity. That book, movie, etc. would be by far the lamest thing ever overall. There would be spirts of absolute hilarity and awesomeness, but the majority would be thought, so I might as well keep that private, so I can collect my thoughts and put them into terms that other people can understand so hopefully I can clear some things up about myself and hopefully (my goal) help some others on the way. Either by giving some good advice or a good tune to dance to. Bringing joy is by far the best thing someone can do in their life, to help the time go by in a comfortable way. I love to be that person because in return it makes my time go by, but preparing for those nights is tough and you just need to remember the end result. The smiles, the frowns, the crying outs, and the deep thought afterwards... a gift that cannot be replicated in any physical object. My friends and I attended a show tonight at the Metro in Chicago. The Metro is where I've seen the most memorable shows throughout my life. One of the bands tonight though were a band that opened up for one of my old bands a long time ago and my old drummer (but I still do collaborate with him in my new projects) Jason Strode was in attendance with me tonight and pointed that fact out. We started thinking about how in our old bands we would try so hard to "get people to like us" and how wrong of an action that was. Jason said that "you do what you love and if people enjoy it, then they enjoy it, if they don't, they don't". You can't make anyone come to your shows and you can't make people's tastes change in an instant. You just have to get your music refined and out to the right people. You need to find your audience. And that's another thing I've realized I need to do with my music. I don't want to go out and try to persuade people to come to shows anymore by saying stupid things like "I'll dedicate a song to you" or "I'll say your name on stage". I want people who want to listen to come. I want people to enjoy themselves in a little world I've created, but was inspired by those around me. The movie that is my life that is rolling even right now. Right up to every punctuation. Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 23rd, 2006
4:48 am	No stops. Just Rock (for NWI Musicians) I am so pleased to say that I was just in attendance of the best local show I have ever witnessed. Well worth the five dollar cover, I had no regrets to where my money had gone. All of the bands I saw showed great artistry and preparation. They were professional but real. They were great at what they did. I was so thoroughly impressed. I just could not stop smiling after this show because I've known a lot of the musicians there for a long time. Yes, musicians, not just guys that happen to have instruments in their hands, but musicians. All the bands, let me remind you, are all unsigned, just doing something on the weekend bands. They have all grown so much. It's a beautiful process. And not just they benefit, but all of the citizens of Northwest Indiana benefit now from these talented, creative individuals occupying the towns. It was a rocking good time. It's nice to know that the area has an emphasis on making good music. It's nice to see that there are people out there that want to hear that music, dance to it, and talk about it. No dreams of bigger, brighter futures, just seeing open minded people enjoying is all you need. They have a place right here. An audience that will listen. That's truly what you're always looking for as a band. You're looking for an audience to sing to. People to affect. People to enjoy what you're doing. It's great when you have that connection. That's all you need. Good rock tonight. So happy that an audience was found that appreciates the awesomeness you showed. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 13th, 2006
11:33 pm	A bigger heart, a bigger brain, much more courage to say. Quite Wizardry ay? As my first semester of college comes to a close, I want to take time to write one of the fabled "personal entries" in my livejournal. I usually write lyrics, or helpful tid bits of advice that I believe will benefit others from my experience, or clever things that I think of that will provide some entertainment. This time I just want to touch on all the things that have appened this semester that I'm so glad that did. 1. I'm learning! for the first time in 4 years I'm actually learning something that I care about in class. In high school I learned so much, but it was always on my own outside of class, and seldomly in my music classes. 2. I'm becoming a better musician. I'm making sounds that I like and that others do as well. I've gotten a better understanding of the sounds I want to make and how to project them to the world, and who to project them to. 3. I'm more confident. I've grown much bolder. I'm not afraid to play. I not afraid to say the things that I've always longed to say. The words were once confined to the bedroom, but now I'm putting them out there for all to hear. 4. I've learned so many things about myself. I know what I want to do with my life right now. I know how to prepare for it. And I'm enjoying the ride on the way. I'm dull, but entertaining. I'm raunchy, but kind. I'm also looking out for myself and my piece of mind, but what brings me peace is knowing others are in it too. I know I will be followed. I will also follow, but I'll always choose the best direction for me. 5. The friends I have made in my time here at school have been so real. I've learned that it's not how many friends you have, but how well you know the ones you care about, and how much you can do for them. Sure we can have our 1000 friends on myspace, but knowing one of them 1000 times better than any one of those is just as great. 6. I miss home. I miss my mom. I miss my brother. I miss my bed. I miss my friends. Of course I had to get away and learn some, but that is still my home and where I grew up. So many things have happened there. That is where I was molded into the man I am today. I am eternally grateful for that. And all the people I meet in my life will be grateful too. 7. Change is so frightening. It scared me half to death numerous time. But knowledge, writing, creativity, and music has allowed me to feel at home in my head. So when I'm on the road in between here and St. John, I'll always feel comfortable. 8. Village Green and the Muncie scene is wonderful. No doubt. I would love to leave my mark there. 9. Leaving my mark on the world is important to me. I want it to be a positive one. That's why I'm taking so long... thinking, deducing, re-thinking, making that thought better... etc. 10. I want to be better. Not that I think that I'm always inadequate. I just want to change and keep being as good as I can be. At anything and everything. I doubt myself for the sole purpose of going up yet another tier. 11. I can sing. But I will still yell at the top of my fucking lungs when I damn well please. These are my revelations of this first semester away. I still care about many things, but alot of them have changed. I have restored faith in falling in someones eyes, for this time I know who I am right now. And this is what I want. I'm feeling strangely fine Current Mood: satisfied (Comment on this)
1:57 am	My take on Philosophy Philosophy is a "second order" discipline that can be about the "first order" disciplines. It encompasses everything. Every Thought. Every question. It crosses subject lines and finds out answers. A Philosopher has no boundaries in the intellectual field bacause if he/she doesn't know, he/she finds out. Of course a philosopher asks many questions, but it's the ones that come to them in the course of their life that they set out to figure out. Philosophy can be about anyone or anything as long as its driving you to find an answer. It's not something that can be studied in a group because it is however you pursue it. It is YOURS to mold. It is YOUR philosophy. (Comment on this)